Harsh words for someone that has left ya hangin’ for 2 weeks, no?! Well, fear not, because Ima learn ya how to actually enjoy a spring meal and not gain a butt-ton of weight…. because you don’t want to terrify all of the Orange Beach hippies of Greenpeace that think you’re a washed-up whale when the reality is that you’re just sunning your thighs.  Ugh.

I need to admit here that I am as guilty as any for over-indulging and putting on some unwanted L B S’s during the hibernation months.  The idea of getting back into an exercise routine gives me the shakes and shivers.  However, I am a Southern girl (and a realist, for that matter), and I am aware that not only is swimsuit season fast-approaching, but sundress season is upon us, as well.  Ladies, it is friggin’ hot as all getout down here during the “spring” and summer, and you can’t hide behind jeans and sweaters anymore.  Gentlemen, you’re not exempt either, because every lying female that says she thinks your “pooch” is cute as she tickles it is probably thinking about rippled-abed Paulo skimming the pool at the country club and what his immigrant mouth tastes like.  Point being: eat right, and actually eat food that gives you energy to move your fat arse and burn some calories.

Now I have said this time and time again, but I’ll repeat myself for all of you dipwads that can’t seem to listen: there is no lasting success in denying yourself anything.  Seriously.  All of this no carb, no sugar, no flour, no sweet, no booze biz is for birds and weirdo teetotalers.  You, my friend, are neither, or you wouldn’t be reading right now.  In fact, cleanses and detoxes can cause dehydration.  Dehydration is bad, especially in the Armpit of the South. 

MODERATION is key, and knowledge is the power necessary to keep you from looking like Roseanne Arnold on free ice cream day at Ben N Jerry’s.

Now what I am about to learn ya is based on personal experience, reading, and a lot of pointing and laughing.  I AM NOT A DOCTOR.  But, I figure that if I can lose a significant amount of fat in a healthy amount of time and keep it off, then I must…. for once…. be doing something right.  First of all, protein is key in a high-energy weight loss diet.  However, try to steer clear of pork and beef.  I find that if it flies or swims, than it manages to energize and then… ehem…. exit more quickly and efficiently than a fatty meat.  I also snack on almonds; 1 teeny ounce of almonds are good for 12% of your daily protein intake.  They are also super good for your heart.  Secondly, load up on water (duh).  Water not only keeps you hydrated, but it keeps you feeling fuller and not reaching for a snack.  Also, fruits and berries are not only good sources of healthy sugars, but they are juicy and aid in hydration (so for all of you sloots out there, cranberries and water are not only good for UTI’s).

I am a big fan of spinach; you can get super creative with spinach salads.  However, BEWARE of over-dressing.  You might as well gobble down a Big Mac if your lame enough to coat your salad in Thousand Island.  I learned a nifty little trick once: get the dressing on the side, and before you stab a bite with your fork,dip your fork in the dressing.  Just a small dip, mind you.  You’ll be amazed at how little dressing you use/need. 

Next, don’t ignore your sweet tooth.  I know a woman who had one of the most fat-free kitchens I have ever seen; I mean, this woman has no carbs, sugar, or anything else fun.  She also has a wicked sweet tooth, and when she crashes, she crashes hard.  Like box of Snicker ice cream bars hard.  I like to keep bars of dark chocolate handy.  It’s healthier than milk chocolate, lower in fat, and nips the craving.  It also goes well with wine, and for the record, any diet that tells me not to drink can suck it, because people that devise diet plans like that are celibate quakers or circus freaks.  Alls ya need to do is nix the porters and heavy ales and switch to clear liqueurs.  I love a nice, refreshing vodka soda with lime.  However, I will stay away from margaritas, because “skinny” or not, they are way high in sugar and will put extra dimples in yo butt.

Because you have been neglected, Ima leave you with 2 salad recipes to help you in your tightening endeavors:

Spinach, Cranberry, and Almond Salad

3/4 cup almonds, slivered
1 pound spinach, rinsed (duh)
1 cup dried cranberries
2 tablespoons toasted sesame seeds
1 tablespoon poppy seeds
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 teaspoons minced onion
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/4 cup white wine vinegar
1/8 cup cider vinegar
1/4 cup vegetable oil

Combine the spinach with the toasted almonds and cranberries.  In a saucepan over medium heat, whisk together the sesame seeds, poppy seeds, sugar, onion, paprika, white wine vinegar, cider vinegar, and vegetable oil. Toss with spinach just before serving.  Sometimes I’ll top with goat cheese or grilled chicken if I’m feelin’ frisky. 

Julia Child-Inspired Nicoise Salad

2 seared tuna steaks or 2-3 cans of tuna
6 hard boiled eggs, sliced
10 small new red potatoes, quartered
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 medium heads Boston lettuce
3 small ripe tomatoes, quartered
1 small red onion, sliced
8 ounces green beans
1/4 cup niçoise olives (or you can be cheap/lazy and get greek or black)
2 Tbsp capers

I’m not going to give a recipe for the required Dijon Vinaigrette.  Go and buy some.  It’ll be fine, I promise, and less-complicated.

Sear tuna steaks until there is a very tiny line of brown on the outside… or drain the cans of tuna, you cheapskate.  Boil potatoes until tender.  Remove them from water, but don’t toss the water.  Use it to boil green beans (for about 3-5 minutes, cuz ya want them still crisp).  Ok, now here’s where I differ from Ol’ Heffer-Hipped Julia Childs: don’t toss everything in the vinaigrette.  Instead, do the “on the side and fork tip dunk” maneuver I explained in my above copy.  Arrange the ingredients so they’re pretty, dummy. 

Don’t deny yourself the occasional pizza or ice cream or you will crash and burn like Lohan after a night at a Colombian discotheque.  Fair well, and remember to say “no” when they ask if you want fries with that shake.

-Stephanie

Yea, so I did some “Spring Cleaning”, if you will. 

For one, I switched to a sleeker, more user/reader friendly interface a la Tumblr.  duh.  I mean you have eyes.  I also solicited the marketing expertise of someone other than myself (big ups to Frances “Frank” Berry and her team at http://www.whereisfrances.com/)… hence the rad streamlined layout and pics that don’t look like some sloot hoovering a banana. 

Now, about some food: in staying in theme with the changed and new, Ima learn you about a few places not centric to Memphis.  Now before you get your panties in a wad, you outa know I still keeps it Southern, mane.  In fact, I bee bopped last weekend down to the Mecca of some of our favorite local talents.  A cool combination of coastal and southern.  Guess where I’m talking about?  Bet not, dummy.  I’m talking about CHARLESTON, SC… home of Rainbow Road, spoiled white kids, and some dank food.  If you don’t wanna take it from me, do the following: 1: see where Anthony Bourdain, food critic and recovered meth addict, gives Chucktown a nod (http://www.delish.com/cooking-shows/food-tv/south-portland-local-farms-anthony-bourdain)  2: stuff it, because this is my blog, my opinion, and I can do whats I wanna, dig?

First of all, my visit was unique, and I would like to set the stage for you: imagine staying in a picturesque southern beach town, dubbed by Forbes as the #1 Most Attractive City in the US.  Imagine getting whisked away there by a handsome fella on spring getaway.  Now imagine staying with a friend who is quite possibly the BIGGEST weirdo of all time… we’re talking a guy who sports a bald-cap with red sideburns and paint-splattered gym shorts to the bar.  In the most “attractive city in the US.”  He’s that guy that lives for making people feel really uncomfortable.  Anywho, this friend- let’s call him Jose -lives in Mt. Pleasant, which is rad because it’s driving distance to all of the places that I had intended on going.  And where did I intend on going? Well, the the Charleston Food and Wine Festival.. duh.  That’s where all of the hotshots from Johnson & Whales University in South Carolina rally, get boozed up on wine, and showcase some great food.

The owners and talent of Memphis’ Andrew & Michael’s Kitchen and Sweetgrass all hail from this rad institution and gave me names and places I should visit.  Kelly English from Iris was in fact in Charleston drankin wine and bein cool.  I, however, managed to miss the actual festival.  WHY?  Because Jose and his buddies took us to King Street the night before, got me loaded on vodka, and took the crew to Sullivan’s Island at, like, 4 am… just in time for someone to take off their clothes and jump like a moron into the freezing Atlantic (wasn’t me; shocker, I know).  Come Saturday, it was raining cats and dogs.  Needless to say, hangovers and rainy festivals don’t mix.  I would’ve rather stuck and M80 up my arse then stroll around and drink more.  So why wasn’t this trip a total loss? Read on, dipwad.

Luckily, I was kindly veered by some of the previously mentioned J & W alums to some of Charleston’s best spots to dine.  Lemme tell ya: I was not let down.  I decided to diversify my meals according to locale and menu price, and I wound up with one helluva foodtrip.  And while I had my fair share of great meals over those 5 days, I really wanna encourage future visitors to visit Red Drum and Husk.

Upon arrival, we wandered over to a bar called Red’s on Shem Creek.  Consider this place Charleston’s answer to the Flora-Bama, minus all the Harley-Davidson paraphernalia.  This spot is a great place for oysters and beer.  It was at Red’s that I met some of Jose’s buddies and learned that they all seem to either work or eat brunch at this place called Red Drum.  Well, who am I to besmudge locals and their traditions?  So I agreed to get loaded on God’s day at this place, located in Mt. Pleasant.  Holy Shiz, what a good call.  Owned and Cheff’d by Ben Berryhill, this place not only has $11 BOTTOMLESS mimosas and bellinis, but a friggin rad brunch menu as well.  This place is like a fusion between Texan-style and southern fried, and I totes dig it.  Everything there was super fresh: like farm-to-table fresh.  The huevos rancheros were perfect, the ranch-style cheese grits were served in a mini skillet, the patio was AWESOME, and did I mention the cheap booze?  Betcha my little group made those clowns at Red Drum wish they’d never agreed to that “bottomless” crap.  I give Red Drum brunch a big FoodieCall “Hell Yea”. http://www.reddrumrestaurant.com/

Now all I had been hearing about before I went was Husk, Husk, Husk.  I thought it was because the owner, Chef Sean Brock, was a fellow J & W kid when the school was in Charleston (evidently the J & W brethren all stick together… well, kinda).  WELL, turns out Brock lead the kitchen team at Charleston’s famous McCrady’s, another Charleston institution.  Brock is like some weird culinary Jedi who experiments with great flavors.  What I found most impressive is that all of our party’s proteins were cooked to perfection; my duck was a tender and perfect medium.  The tenderloin and chicken were also top notch, tender, and, again, the perfect temperature.  What’s great about this place is that while Husk was dubbed 2011 Best New Restaurant in America by Bon Appetit (http://www.huskrestaurant.com/bon_appetit/), it also lacks the uber pretentious atmosphere that one might assume comes along with such an honor.  Now don’t get it twisted: our waiter was a super snobby dipsh!t who corrected my friends’ pronunciation from the wine menu that was not even explained (as it should have been because it was organized by soil… barf. snobs.).  Waitstaff should never, ever do that.  However, the food was bountiful and was reasonably priced (hear that, NYC?).  Pork is all the rage these days, and I definitely noted the pig ear wraps and the all pork charcuterie plates.  Worth the hype?  Maybe.  Worth the visit?  You bet your sweet and flabby a$$.  Another Charleston must-see.

All in all, it was a very successful foodtrip, indeed.  If you haven’t crawled out of your hole and scampered over to Charleston, the you are missing out, my friend.  Beautiful beaches, beautiful people, and super great food.  But don’t take my word for it; take this guy’s:  

-Stephanie

http://foodiecallmemphis.blogspot.com/